OK from the outset in this blog I am going to be honest. This is going to be raw, vulnerable and in some ways it’s a little uncomfortable for me to write but if I am going to offer you anything helpful then I actually think this is the way I need to go.
For those of you who know me, you will know that I have been dysgu mamiaith (learning my Mother Language) over the last two and a bit years. It has been monumentally hard for me and the only thing that has kept me in the game is my unrelenting heart and passion for Wales, and everything Welsh! This is not only a Welsh thing, but it is particularly strong in this nation. For the most part though it has been difficult as I have tried to maintain a level of patience with myself, knowing that I am getting there and this is epic.
This week I texted a mate of mine in Cymraeg (Welsh), and as I read the text back to myself before sending it I decided to change one bit. But my attention to detail was not where it needed to be and I got caught ‘betwixt and between’ two phrases. Very quickly my mate texted me back with the correction, something I had previously asked him to do if ever needed.
Suddenly, I felt really annoyed with myself—I mean properly annoyed. To the point where I felt the need to ask God where that reaction had come from.
‘This is LOCKDOWN’
I am in the process of picking apart a bit of anger, a lot of frustration and a sense of not having as much control as I generally feel I need. After sixteen weeks of total lockdown, my son is only just having one day a week in school. At the point of writing this blog I am still to make my first significant journey, this will come tomorrow when I get to pick up some resources that we should have had in our hands months ago. Next month, CVM Cymru would have been at the annual National Eisteddfod—a truly significant moment in our determination to be a genuinely bilingual outreach ministry for men right across Wales. And on top of all that frustration, for the past few weeks it has felt significantly harder to maintain a deep and intimate relationship with God!
Too right this is LOCKDOWN!!!! What is going on Lord?
Then I read these words in my bible ‘See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland’ (Isaiah 43:19).
Isn’t this genuinely the hope of the Gospel? The hope that it is never over until God says it is over. The fact that hope is never diminished as long as God remains on His throne. And the confidence that He does have a plan even if we have no idea what is going on.
Over these past few days I have read far too much into people’s responses to me, I have walked the dog with a frown on my face rather than a smile, and I have felt frustrated and quite honestly a bit angry that we cannot get on with life as I want to.
And if I am truly honest, so much of this remains due to some un-fathered places in my heart, but that is a whole other story. For now I know I need to ruthlessly trust God, I need to wait expectantly for what is to come next whilst still making the most of the limitless opportunities He is still providing right now and I need to choose to remain relentlessly optimistic that the Gospel is as true today as it was in the world pre-16 weeks ago.
Do you need to do this too? If you are feeling frustrated and angry right now because of life as it is, get yourself to Isaiah 43:19 and read about the new thing God is doing, read it again, read it again and keep reading it until you rediscover the relentless optimism in the Gospel and the GREAT NEWS that God has a plan. He has always had a plan.
When I explained to my mate that I had gone back and edited my text and that was where it all went wrong, he replied with: “Haha ???? muppet ??”
Well, I best just leave that one there, I think.
Picture courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/fuzzysaurus/3828689071
