In the first part of this series I listed what are for me the positives of Asperger’s Syndrome. I am all too aware of how the negatives affect me (and others). Each day I have to make the conscious decision to live out the positives, sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. However, writing all this has given me the opportunity to revisit again and again the following verse and make sure I apply it to my day to day living:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4v8
I’d be the first to admit that my brain is wired in such a way as I can recall all sorts of things, which is something that has left more than one person (usually my wife) gaping in amazement, even stuff I have no interest whatsoever in, for instance football. Although it is not so much Sherlock’s Mind Palace but Jason’s Brain Shed with a lot of things sitting on shelves as they might come in handy one day, some not where you recall leaving them, quite a few having been nibbled by mice and some having departed a long time ago having been deemed of no use or never registered at all – e.g. calculus, algebra and a smattering of trigonometry!!
Some of these can be grouped into one block of facts and principles that can be dug out as and when required (usually in quizzes), but what about experiences and feelings which really are the things that shape us as individuals? Yes, I can recall so many of these with absolute clarity and people have often remarked on how incredible this must be, to which I have always cautiously responded that it can be both a blessing and a curse. Yes I can recall all manner of things, but it also means that some of the times I failed can be recalled with equal clarity. Those are the ones that hurt.
The truth is that we all no matter how optimistic our disposition have a in-built negative bias in our thought processes (it comes from the ancient experience of realising that the massive bear Mr Ugh was hunting for Mrs Ugh’s new winter coat wasn’t going to give it up without a fight) and it will manifest itself even if it’s in something as innocuous as carrying an umbrella ‘as you never know it might rain’ despite the forecast saying otherwise.
As I have said previously for autistics thoughts and the feelings they produce are felt far more strongly and therefore the way they are expressed is greater: Something that is funny can be hysterically funny, empathy for somebody’s loss can sometimes express itself as though the loss were ours and anger could become blind uncontrolled rage. I have felt all of these at some time or other which led me to express them in such an extreme fashion causing either bewilderment or fear in those that witnessed it.
In respect of memories, both good and bad are stored with an equal intensity and I would expect most of us experience this on some level. For instance the smell of gas in our house should put us on the alert at some level, the smell after rain in a hot summer (it’s called ‘Petrichor’ by the way) should provoke happy memories, the sound of a particular song evokes a memory, or the feel of grass under our bare feet reminds us that we got dressed in a rush again! For me personally little things like this can be the trigger of a much more detailed memory. That one thing is like the end of a ball of wool, you pull it and pull it as one memory triggers another and another. Finally you end up with just a mass of wool in your hands which represents the memory (both good or bad) from point Z all the way back to point A.
Let me give you two personal examples. I have always loved classical music and some years ago a friend and I attended several performances at the Proms in London (including the last night). It was an incredible experience to say the least especially hearing the Verdi Requiem live. So as you can imagine when I hear certain pieces of music I am reminded of that time and my mind is more than happy to tug on this particular thread.
An example of the second happened a few weeks ago. Something happened which reminded me of happier times before things went wrong. On previous occasions I have allowed such instances to lead me down a rather unhappy path, here I was presented with a simple choice. I could be engulfed by the negative thoughts that were building up or look at it from a new, positive angle. I decided on the latter and simply said to myself ‘Stuff it! I’m not in that place anymore – I am somewhere better!’
I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things it was a major leap forward (for me anyway). Most neuroscientists will tell you about something called neuro-plasticity where you can in fact rewire the way you think, or as a friend of mine calls it ‘Walking away from Stinky- Thinking.’ Now go back and read the verse at the top of this blog and then look at this:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Romans 12v2
The pattern of this world is to follow the natural negative bias I mentioned previously. God doesn’t want us to do that and that is why He sent Jesus, to redeem us from the old sinful ways of doing things, including what goes on in our heads. For me over these past months the whole ‘New Creation’ thing is beginning to take on a much deeper meaning. It means that the relationship with Jesus is now showing me that my long established ways of thinking are not God’s ways of thinking (He forgave and forgot our sins) and to take the ‘Stinky Thinking’ captive and obedient to Christ as 2 Corinthians 10v5 tells us to.
